Bonding With Your Older Adopted Child

So often when the conversation is about bonding with an older adopted child the focus is on the adopted child and their inability to "attach" to their adopted family because of their unstable, abusive, or neglected childhood from their birth to the age of 5 years old and beyond. But what about the adopted parents’ inability to bond with the older child because of whatever dynamic is going on between the adopted child and the parent? Saving an older adopted child from the foster care system may sound like a charitable, loving and formidable thing to do, but you should not adopt an older child if your only reason for doing so is to "save" the child. You will need to bond with your adopted child so that you will grow to love the child and help him or her get back on track developmentally, academically and emotionally. You will not immediately bond with your newly adopted child. I venture to say you may grow to not even like the child. It is unrealistic to think that you will immediately love this little stranger who undoubtedly has many problems as a result of being with unfit parents and subsequently being in the foster care system.

Take one day at a time. Be patient. Use whatever support you have around you to help you grow closer to the child (i.e., your spouse, your other biological children, your parents, other family members, friends, therapist, etc.). Focus on the child’s good behaviors, qualities and traits. Talk with the child to better understand where his or her head is on different topics. Discipline is key. Provide structure for this child who has been all over the place for most of his or her life. Say what you mean and mean what you say. This trust building process will build the necessary bond between you and your adopted older child.

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Adoption - Attachment

Adopting an Older Child

Attachment

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Have you adopted a child older than the age of 2 years old?  Is it a challenge or what?? The attachment issue is surely one you will be confronted with. Having adopted an 8 year old little boy, we are in the throws of navigating through our own attachment issues. "Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is the proper psychological term, and is generally diagnosed in situations where the child has experienced caregiving that is poor, chaotic, abusive, and inconsistent, and where the child has had multiple caregivers." Parenting Your Adopted Older Child, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland, CA, 2002, p. 15. Some of the behaviors we have identified in our situation are: "[s]uperficially charming actions;" "[i]nability to link cause and effect;" "[a]ttempts to control all situations, sometimes by manipulation, sometimes by aggression," "[l]ow impulse control," and "[a]ffection toward strangers."

There are several ways to overcome the attachment challenge depending upon your individual situation. One thing that is a definite MUST regardless of what attachment problems you are experiencing is WEEKLY therapy for the child and therapy as needed for adoptive family members. There is no excuse for not doing it; and it is critical for the sanity of the family and the resolution of the adoptive child’s attachment issues. Most adopted older children were in foster care through the state in which they live. The state will cover therapy expenses until the child is 18 years old and possibly beyond the age of majority. Just find a therapist close to where you live who accepts Medicaid. The social worker facilitating your adoption can be very helpful in assisting you in locating a conveniently located therapist prior to the finalization of the adoption. The entire family can see the same therapist as needed at the state’s expense as the purpose for the treatment is all related to the adoption. My adopted son is 10 years old now, so the challenges still exist. Two years may seem like a long time, but it is DEFINITELY NOT. Have patience and a lot of it because it is going to be a long and frustrating road between now and achieving the goal of having a well adjusted adopted older child.

Adopting for the Right Reasons

Adopting an Older Child

Are You Adopting for the Right Reasons

Adopting an older child from your state’s foster care system (i.e., a child over the age of 2 years old) sounds like a great idea if you are trying to achieve two objectives: (1) having a child when you don’t have a problem with them not being biologically yours; and (2) providing a stable home environment for a child who has no permanent family. Before embarking upon the lengthy process of adopting an older child, think long and hard about why you think you want to adopt an older child. From a logistical standpoint, it is much easier to adopt an older child because there are many more of them. Also, the only cost in adopting an older child from the state’s foster care system is for the birth certificate and court costs which total about $275.00; a far cry from the very expensive private and over seas adoptions that can run tens of thousands of dollars. The logistics, however, can’t be the reason for adoption.

Is your biological clock ticking in your household and you feel it is time to be a parent? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to save a child from aging out of the system? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to get a playmate for your other child? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to fill a void you feel is in your life? That can’t be the reason. All of these reasons sound great, but if you are not prepared to deal with the baggage that your newly adopted older child will bring into your home, then none of these reasons will prevent you from sending the kid back when the going gets tough, frustrating, and when things reach a level where you say to yourself "I don’t need this . . I am doing whatever I need to do to get out of this situation."

If you are going to do this thing right where you don’t traumatize the kid further, you really and truly must have an open and kind heart. You really have to have a genuine love and connection for and with children. You really have to have a lot of patience. You really have to want to put your self interests last and the interests of your adopted child first. It is helpful if a married couple is doing the adopting so when one parent is not feeling particularly patient, loving or kind, the other parent can pick up the slack. If you and your spouse together don’t have the traits listed above, the adoption will fail and the child will just end up back in the foster care system.

Carefully think about your decision to adopt an older child. Carefully screen the child prior to meeting him or her by reading their file, talking to their case worker and talking to anyone who has spent any time with the child. Lack of due diligence on your part in this regard could lead to further traumatizing the adopted child and/or result in the destruction of your family.