Adopting for the Right Reasons

Adopting an Older Child

Are You Adopting for the Right Reasons

Adopting an older child from your state’s foster care system (i.e., a child over the age of 2 years old) sounds like a great idea if you are trying to achieve two objectives: (1) having a child when you don’t have a problem with them not being biologically yours; and (2) providing a stable home environment for a child who has no permanent family. Before embarking upon the lengthy process of adopting an older child, think long and hard about why you think you want to adopt an older child. From a logistical standpoint, it is much easier to adopt an older child because there are many more of them. Also, the only cost in adopting an older child from the state’s foster care system is for the birth certificate and court costs which total about $275.00; a far cry from the very expensive private and over seas adoptions that can run tens of thousands of dollars. The logistics, however, can’t be the reason for adoption.

Is your biological clock ticking in your household and you feel it is time to be a parent? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to save a child from aging out of the system? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to get a playmate for your other child? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to fill a void you feel is in your life? That can’t be the reason. All of these reasons sound great, but if you are not prepared to deal with the baggage that your newly adopted older child will bring into your home, then none of these reasons will prevent you from sending the kid back when the going gets tough, frustrating, and when things reach a level where you say to yourself "I don’t need this . . I am doing whatever I need to do to get out of this situation."

If you are going to do this thing right where you don’t traumatize the kid further, you really and truly must have an open and kind heart. You really have to have a genuine love and connection for and with children. You really have to have a lot of patience. You really have to want to put your self interests last and the interests of your adopted child first. It is helpful if a married couple is doing the adopting so when one parent is not feeling particularly patient, loving or kind, the other parent can pick up the slack. If you and your spouse together don’t have the traits listed above, the adoption will fail and the child will just end up back in the foster care system.

Carefully think about your decision to adopt an older child. Carefully screen the child prior to meeting him or her by reading their file, talking to their case worker and talking to anyone who has spent any time with the child. Lack of due diligence on your part in this regard could lead to further traumatizing the adopted child and/or result in the destruction of your family.